On my way to work yesterday, I was trying to merge into the lane after an emergency vehicle passed. The guy behind me would not let me in. He nearly ran me off the road. My normal would be to get angry. Rather, I just began to cry. I realized very quickly I wasn’t crying about dumb drivers. I was crying about my life. I’m not seeing the beautiful right now in this season with my dad. There are glimmers and glimpses. Reading Scripture to him, realizing things I hadn’t see before. Talking to him about that. Or laughing with my mom over a show. Watching the figure skaters perform without judges. Being together. Having him say I love you as I was leaving. The smile at the beginning of the day.
It’s in the middles that cause ache and sorrow. His body wasting away. His breathing. His listlessness. His asking for people that are not there. It’s the grief of seeing a picture of him and seeing him now.
I know we all have our feelings about series, The Chosen, but hear me out. We were watching episode 3 of season 5 last night. I was captivated as Jesus’ final words to his disciples are spoken. As Jesus was speaking, I saw their confusion and felt it myself. At that moment in time, knowing what they knew, I understood! These were hard things Jesus was saying. John 14-17. They didn’t understand what he was doing. I know that is what I am feeling right now. I don’t know what God is doing right now. Yet I am incredibly grateful to have the words of Scripture to rest my weary heart. Those chapters are some of my very favorite go to comfort, especially when Jesus prays for us in John 17.
Maybe you find yourself in a similar place. You have heavy rocks in your life. You don’t know what God is doing. You want to understand. You keep asking the questions. You keep trying to guess what will happen next. Will this be the house? Will this be the doctor visit that provides the answers? Will your loved one turn their heart to Jesus today? Will our world ever have peace? You know the question.
I’ll end with this. The disciples did not fully understand until after Jesus rose from the dead. We may not fully understand until we stand with Jesus and look over our lives together. Maybe we will. Here’s what I know to be true. God’s presence is our answer, even if holding onto the truth of the word of God with white knuckles. Praying when you don’t feel like it, maybe it’s just quiet. Maybe it’s yelling. I do know it’s continuing to memorize his words so that is what fills my brain. I do know its turning the worship on when I am tanking.
God bless you in this time of your life. He is with you, even when it does not make sense to you.
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