I don’t really know that I have anything to add here to the conversation of suffering but for my mental health and desire to follow God’s prompting on my life, I am here to continue to tell my story. For the past few months/years/decades, I have dealt with a particular chronic migraine condition. Is that the word? I’ve figured out ways to keep going, keep working. I haven’t really had a choice, I’ve just done it. My job is very stressful, not just because of patient care, but also other issues. I’ve also wanted to be present in my home. Present at my church. Present for my mom as we cared for dad through to the end. Yet, my body has continued to fight what I have wanted to do with my time.
In the new year, I began to have issues with dizziness and became two issues, one was a new type of vestibular migraine (probably as a result of my strokes) and a vertigo. I’ve tried medications, therapies, shots, exercises, vitamins, essential oils, acupuncture, you name it, I’ve probably tried it. The neurology resident suggested things, which I appreciate, but I’m already doing them.
So, here’s my human response. I distract myself. I watch reels on Instagram. Or youtube. Play games. I realize I am filling my mind so I don’t have to think about my life right now. This week, the Lord has been getting my attention, today especially. You know what I’m remembering? God can use anything to get our attention. God is more interested in our hearts. Today, it was Psalm 16.
Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge. I say to the LORD, ‘You are my Lord; I have no good apart from you.’ Psalm 16:1-2
Right away, what is my refuge lately? I’m finding my refuge in distraction. I’m finding my good in momentary laughter on 30 second reels. I know this must sound as if I am shaming myself, but I am getting to the heart here. I want my life to be different, as I listed earlier, and so I’m choosing to run from my thoughts. Yet, I know that the Lord is my Lord. I know that any good I have in my life is because of my Lord.
As for the saints in the land, they are excellent ones, in who is all my delight. The sorrows of those who run after another god shall multiply; their drink offerings of blood I will not pour out or take their names on my lips. Psalm 16:3-4
Eyes wide open. I’m looking at my cutie, Luna, who just got a new bandana, very fetching, and I see a little animal who licks my hand if she is on my lap and I’m on my phone. Seriously, she won’t stop. It’s this little reminder, I’m here. Pay attention to me. And honestly, this morning, while the Lord is not licking my hand, haha, I am being reminded that distracting myself to run from reality is really me silencing the voice of God that wants to work through this with me. I’m here. Let’s do this.
The LORD is my chose portion and my cup; you hold my lot.
this post is all over the place, but maybe you are tracking with me today. I had a week of rest with my dear friend last week and I realized something. Where I am physically, requires rest and I don’t like to give my body that out. As I began this post, I was fighting this same thought. However, here’s my discovery, I am doing a little better with rest. Go figure. Even if I did not have these chronic conditions, I think we can take a page out of this book by looking at the practice of Sabbath. We are meant to work, we are meant to rest, and we are meant to worship.
Or cry. I cry to my God for help (on repeat with the Psalms). I plead for mercy. And over and over and over again, God hears our cries, our pleadings, and answers. Repeat. I think for me, friend, it’s easy for me to cry, but it’s hard to sit and listen. I spoke with a friend who has just had hit after hit and things aren’t moving as she had hoped. Yet, God has used her and her family for his purpose in the place she doesn’t want to be. I want to not be in pain. I want so many things, but I’m seeing the position of sitting and listening is changing my perspective.
I want the LORD to speak. Just as much as I plead with him to not be silent, to hear my cries, see my lifted hands, I need to take time to pause and listen. Here’s one more thing I want to remember today. As I read the Psalms over and over, I see that David wanted to be with the Lord. He desired to be in his house. Longed.
“One thing have I asked of the LORD, that wil I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to inquire in his temple. Hear, O LORD, when i cry aloud; be gracious to me and answer me! You have said, ‘Seek my face.’ My heart says to you, ‘Your face, LORD, do I seek.'” Psalm 27:4, 7-8
Peace and love, friend.
3 Comments
Great testimony and word I can apply to my out life Cara🥰
Thank you for reading!!!
Thank you for continuing to share your story, Cara. I love you and pray for you.